Networks Enlist A.I. Script Generator to Save the Television Industry

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By Usa Express Daily

With the Writers Guild of America currently on strike and the Screen Actors Guild’s contract up at the end of the month, the Alliance of Motion Picture and Television Producers has turned to the more affordable screenwriting talents of artificial intelligence to produce a lineup of extremely cost-effective TV shows. Coming soon . . .

“Detective Law Mann, M.D.”

Every night of television requires a procedural drama. After processing thousands of scripts from top-performing criminal/medical/legal TV programs, a highly advanced artificial-intelligence script generator determined that audiences love to watch teams of detectives, scientists, and/or lawyers band together to solve and prosecute crimes. But do audiences really need all the inefficient and costly dialogue between characters, when there could be a show centered on just one character who performs all the jobs?

“Person Enters [LAUGHTER]”

Artificially generated network procedurals are one thing, but people have remained skeptical of A.I.’s ability to write original comedies. Well, knock knock. Let’s get to the other side. After analyzing forty years’ worth of sitcom scripts and studio-audience laughter and applause levels, A.I. has unlocked the secret to comedy: fan-favorite characters entering the scene, over and over again. How will viewers know that it’s their favorite character entering the scene? Easy—he’ll be the one they’re clapping for! Also, he’ll be played by a digital re-creation of “You’ve Got Mail”-era Tom Hanks.

“Law & Order: The First Guy Did It”

Although it may seem redundant to be putting out more than one procedural crime drama, research has shown that people’s dads like options. To that end, A.I. first determined the structure of every existing episode of “Law & Order”: 1) Find body. 2) Interview person. 3) Review evidence. 4) Interview some other people. 5) Discover that the killer is actually the first person who was interviewed. Next, the A.I. writers’ room streamlined the format. If the killer is just going to end up being the first person interviewed anyway, why don’t the cops simply solve the crime then? This way, an hour-long program can be cut down to a tight eleven minutes, leaving the rest of the hour for ads.

“Loathsome Family Members Walking Long Distances While Discussing Business Strategy Until They All Kill One Another and Maybe There’s a Dragon If Budget Allows”

What about A.I.’s ability to write prestige drama, you ask? Executives want “Succession”s and “Game of Thrones”es so that they can get invited to the Emmys and take selfies with Zendaya, and that is why they had A.I. analyze HBO’s recent hits and created this perfect show. It’s not remotely enjoyable to watch, but that’s what makes it art.

“Pyrrhic Profits”

Artificial intelligence is an ever-learning, ever-improving technology. It is not, as some have unfairly claimed, merely a “plagiarism machine.” If given the opportunity, A.I. is capable of generating near-original works of popular schlock. After digesting all TV writing ever, A.I. generated this gritty, dystopian story of a world where all art is created by robots, to be presented as accompaniment to ads (also created by robots) for products meant to be sold to humans who can no longer afford to buy them because all of their jobs have been taken by robots. It’s an existential tale about personal values, purpose, and corporate stock buybacks. This show has already been deemed “truly a masterpiece” (by the algorithm that replaced all the A.M.P.T.P. executives).

“Mint Mobile Presents: A Semblance of Content (voiced by components of Tom Hanks)”

Unfortunately, that show was also really expensive, so instead of making it the network will be releasing a scripted podcast that just describes why it would have been good.

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